I was 'brokefished' by my friend for £400

I need your help. My friend K has been recently telling our friendship group about how dire his financial situation has become. He spoke of overdue bills, not having enough money to go anywhere on holiday this year and his fear of losing his job. 

My heart went out to him. He said he was going to give up his physio appointments which I know have been helping him cope with chronic back pain. I had a great year at work, and so I decided to lend him £400 so he could continue his physio for a few more weeks while he found some way to improve his financial situation.

A few days later, K posted a picture of himself on social media with a new barbecue grill costing well over a thousand pounds and – one I quite fancied buying for my family this year. 

A friend asking for help with money and then flaunting a new purchase could be a sign of 'brokefishing', Vicky Reynal writes

I haven’t confronted K yet because I’m not sure how to approach the situation without causing a rift. 

Is there a way to salvage our friendship, or do I need to accept that K isn’t the friend I thought he was?

Money psychotherapist Vicky Reynal replies: I suspect you are feeling a mix of shock, anger, sadness and a sense of betrayal. 

What K’s done can be described as ‘brokefishing’. In previous generations people might have described themselves to friends and family as being in financial need then taking wonderful long holidays abroad. 

Nowadays we realise we’ve been ‘brokefished’ though, when people sport their latest acquisition having just asked us to cover their half of the bill because they couldn’t afford it.

A part of you might be wondering - why? There isn’t a simple answer. 

It could be that K is in a precarious financial situation because of how impulsive he is with money (and so his purchase of a barbecue once he had your £400 was another irresistible purchase he couldn’t stop himself from making.)

Or it could be that at some, deeper level, he goes through life feeling as if ‘the world owes him.’ Sometimes past experiences leave us feeling that way – having a parent leave the family, or a divorce, or even parents that struggled with mental health issues and were unavailable – could all leave us feeling ‘shortchanged’ in life.

We might feel others have been dealt a luckier hand and so we unconsciously look for justice. We might feel a certain sense of triumph in receiving money, because at some level it feels as if we have restored justice and fairness.

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But there are other potential explanations too. One is related to how you and K behave in relationships. Does K tend to become the ‘needy’ one, orchestrating all sorts of situations needing ‘rescue’? And you got ‘hooked’ into this narrative because you have been unconsciously cast in the role of the rescuer? 

Do you often take on the role in relationships of being the rescuer and always put other people’s needs before your own? 

That could also explain why you have fallen into the trap of trying to be the friend that fixes things for K rather than restraining yourself to show him some empathy and emotional (rather than financial) support.

It could also be about your particular friendship: is K envious of how much more you have? Perhaps you have more money, but it could also be other things, like he could envy that you have a better job or relationship.

Do you feel guilty about how much more than K you have? All these feelings could, behind the scenes be driving your decision to lend money to appease his envy, or address your guilt and their willingness to take it and then ‘misuse’ it.

Whether the friendship can be salvaged will depend on your ability to forgive K, as well as the boundaries you establish in the future so this doesn’t happen again. 

It will also probably depend on K’s response to you bringing it up: can he own up to it and apologise? Or will he become defensive and make excuses? You can’t control how he will respond, but you can be thoughtful about how you bring it up.

In these situations in particular ‘I-statements’ are quite effective (more so than accusations which will just put your friend on the defensive). 

‘I felt betrayed when I saw the picture of you with a new console after having borrowed money from me because money was so tight.’

How can you avoid this from happening again? Suppressing any inkling of empathy with friends in the future might not be the best approach. 

However, if you are about to lend money to someone I always suggest doing a lot of thinking before make a decision. Why am I compelled to give? Have they asked before? What is going on in the friendship that could be driving this request? 

Finally, remember lending money can have a big impact on any relationship - particularly if the terms are not clear. Was the money you lent K meant for the physio? Did you say that? Or was it your vague hope?

Vicky’s book: Money On Your Mind - The Psychology Behind Your Financial Habits is out now with Bonnier Books, £16.99. 

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